American society doesn't treat women well. Abusive people are allowed into positions of power, and there is no accountability. What you're doing is important. These are stories we have to face and acknowledge. The tactic of saying "it wasn't as bad as you remember" doesn't work. Thanks for sharing this interesting commentary, it's given me something to think about.
I already love your writing so much Walter I'm real curious to watch where the thoughts will take you. Because I'm getting to know that that's how you work. You just keep getting stronger as a writer. You set a high bar for the rest of us. :)
That's so nice of you to say. I feel we're all in this together and the comments I get from you and others are so helpful. There are many paths to getting to where we need to go, I'm just looking for progress.
Iceland, maybe, apparently it's the best place to be a woman. But it's not even really about how the world treats women. It's more about the singular focus. You know? I have had bad relationships. Bad shit has happened to me. But there is more to me than that. I am not one part. One thing. I am the sum of my many parts. There is more to all of us. It's like taking a brilliant diamond and painting everything black except one facet and wondering why it doesn't shine, if that makes sense. Hah -- you made me think about this.
I get that, Linda. You also gotta figure this. If you are a person who has never performed a deep dive on yourself in terms of being aware of who you are and your own history and its effects, chances are you haven’t had adequate opportunity to heal and get past the wounds to talk about the other stuff. You strike me as an intelligent and self-aware woman who has probably been reflecting and working on herself a long time. I imagine you’re the large exception and not the rule. Especially in today’s very distracted society where people rarely practice mindfulness and awareness.
I was thinking someone might say Iceland. Listen, it’s all degrees and perspective. What women value here isn’t valued by women everywhere. Same goes for men. I spent a lot of time in the Middle East. Been a lot of places. Some people see the hijab as oppressive. Many women who actually wear them don’t. We need to understand the complexity of customs, traditions, and even moral rights under the lens of anthropological roots.
It’s a little uncomfortable writing this as a male but I’m observing the same trend across a lot of online media. When I think reflection I think, what did I learn, what was good and what was bad? There are some newsletters by women I respect that always start out with reminders of the constant trauma they live with then move on to good stories. It’s almost as though there has to be something terrible. I started a newsletter about my recovery experience from alcohol addiction that started with seventy stitches in the ER and nearly losing an eye from a drunken fall. But I see so much beauty in the experience that followed and the very real challenges that followed. But I may be lucky in that. I wish you luck as an editor wrestling with this. M
One thing I really enjoy about my Substack is that we can (and do) talk about uncomfortable stuff sometimes and no one gets their undies in a knot. I don't know why that is, but I like it. And you're right, I've seen the same. When I wrote this, I wasn't sure how it would be received, but I'm really glad I did.
I think we run the risk of desensitizing people, Linda. When reading these trauma stories, I sometimes think, “Is this even true?” The more appalling the story, the more attention it gets. It stands to reason that some people are making stuff up, especially those with obvious pseudonyms. If your name is Chris Stefanik but you write as Hearty Broth, nobody is apt come forward and say, “I was in your third grade class and your parents didn’t die in a house fire.”
You're bravely treading on a very sensitive nerve, Linda -- but I agree that it's worth discussing why so many women define themselves by their trauma. No, it's no surprise that so many of us have experienced, or are experiencing, trauma: it's a harsh world for most humans, and for female humans in particular. And all such trauma deserves to be addressed and, to the extent possible, healed. Often that involves telling the story — but there's a crucial difference between telling the story to move beyond it (and by proxy maybe help others do the same) and claiming it — defending it, even — as what now makes you, you. I don't know why it seems like women are more likely to take that approach than men: maybe just because women are more likely to share rather than silence their feelings. But not all feelings are helpful, if we stay stuck with them. I saw that a lot in some of the grief groups and forums I visited after my first husband died suddenly — and it scared me.
Sometimes I think it's that dreams die hard and women have culturally been taught that the dream to be attained is love, marriage and a baby carriage. My sister once said it took her a lot of years to realize we all go through stuff, but we don't have to stop and set up camp. I loved that a lot. lol
I think men have lots of trauma to share too, but they were never taught to share it like women do. For centuries men have been taught to sweep it under the rug and act tough, and all that did was repress them and allow their feelings and resentments come out as misogyny and anger.
People are looking for a place to share their trauma, and they love to do it in including publications. More than anything else I hate when they do it in a comment on someone else's story. But I agree completely, your pub is not that place. It should be in the office of a therapist.
That's a great point Christopher. Maybe men don't submit those because that's cultural too. I hate the whole 'suck it up tough guy' nonsense. And I am so with you on seeing it in comments. Wow. Talk about trauma dumping.
Agreed, but what's worse is that we men are conditioned to deny ourselves the healing process of introspection.... Our peers response is "Tough shit mate", Women give comfort. Peace, Maurice
Writing trauma out can be a powerful way to heal from it and I think more women acknowledge that perhaps and it's more culturally acceptable for them to share it. (I've always kept any trauma writing under a pen name though!) But I also think for some writers, they've realized it's a money earner to share their most shocking experiences--I see these as confessionals rather than personal essays and I'm not a fan. They have no reflection or growth, just raw overly-detailed exposure, like standing in public naked and screaming.
I never really thought of that, as a money earner for shock value. That's an interesting insight. I'm not a fan of doing that, either.
On a different topic, it occurred to me I could be nominating from your pub since I'm an editor there too, but I'm not sure if you or Ash are in the boost program. I think you have my email. If you're interested, send me an email okay? We talk! lol :)
I think the first place to start is recognition. I think women have the capacity to write through their pain, but also to reflect on the wonder throughout the years. Your piece has been eye-opening and sets me in a new direction, not first thought of. I'm sure I'm not alone. Hopefully, you'll begin to see a shift. If not, it will help you in your study. : )
Maybe start a new publication for those trauma filled essays. It seems to me that they need a space. I’m sure there are a lot of women who would empathize with the essays, and by having a space for them in a publication specific to the topic that encompasses that idea, it would also serve as a trigger warning for those who don’t want to read essays like that. It’s unfortunate that so many have experienced such trauma, but it’s also so much a part of being a woman (as I see it).
I don't know that they do, Kristin. Maybe, but I have trauma in my past and I'm so grateful I shared it with a professional who helped me get past it and stop defining myself by it. I can only imagine how much more mired in it I'd have become if people on the internet were commenting on it. I could be wrong, but I think a supportive professional or a support group is a more caring and beneficial place to bring those than to the internet as a whole. I have seen women eviscerated for sharing their trauma and that's not helping them recover at all.
Oh my - those are the best reasons why not to publish things like that. I didn’t think about that aspect. And you are absolutely correct. The internet is not always a safe space.
I’m honestly not sure how to approach this observation. I wonder if men and women don’t digest experiences or maybe even traumas differently? I certainly think there are varying degrees of coping abilities and variable resiliencies. I don’t know that these can be exclusively traced to gender. I know I write about my own traumas plenty. I can’t help but wonder if some of this isn’t traceable to the societal norms around male stoicism. Men aren’t really taught how to explore their feelings as a route to talk about their traumas. Maybe that’s a factor?
Yes, I think so. I do think it's largely cultural. I don't know that it can be traced to gender either, at least not physiologically anyway, because the world isn't made up of xx and xy in the first place. But I do think cultural roles play a part in the norms of men being expected to suck it up. I've had people tell me I "think like a man" and it irritates me. lol. No. I think like me. But the sheer volume of what I get. Man, if you could see my inbox some days.
Yup. It is. It's really bad. The statistics are horrifying and I'd never suggest otherwise. But having been in some pretty ugly places myself, I can't even imagine spending years afterward not just reliving it but putting it on the internet for abusive people to comment on because they do and it's painful to watch.
I wrote a piece about this recently - finding meaning in our pain. The #1 mistake I see personal essay writers make is they are so focused on their pain that they fail to leave the reader with a meaty why to cut their teeth on. Viktor Frankl said it best, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”
I recently read a Medium piece that advised other writers that the reader doesn’t matter and you should write for yourself. That is just horrible writing advice. Yes, you should write with the door closed. But when you open the door, it better be a place someone wants to enter and return to.
As far as the gender divide goes, I hate to generalize but... I think women are more prone to rumination. Rumination without reason is a wheel with no spokes. It's going to make for a mess of a ride.
Btw, I don't write many personal essays but I would love to be added as a writer if you still have space.
It is horrible advice, for sure. All writers write for themselves or they wouldn't be writing in the first place. They'd be better off to say the first draft is for yourself. All the edits are with consideration of opening that door to random strangers, as you pointed out. Another problem I see a lot is that too many people stretch an anecdote into a story. But if you strip away all the fluff and rambling, it's just an anecdote standing there naked and exposed.
For you, there would always be space. I can always use more strong writers especially on that pub. So many people just send a play by play and don't understand the concept of reflecting back. When you have a reflection essay ready, just email me :)
Men don't often feel "allowed" to talk about their traumas. Or, another way to put this is that they are taught early on to see things so differently that they have an entirely different scale for trauma. Add that to the fact that women are socially defined ((and so personally define) with those events and it makes perfect sense why men aren't represented the same way in your submissions.
Suicide and depression statistics suggest that men are quite affected by traumatic circumstances, though. They're hurting, and many don't feel capable of talking about it or even acknowledging their pain. That makes the male writers in your publication all the more valuable- they provide an example that other men might see and follow. 💕
As an introvert, the only woman I truly know is the one that has been my wife for 54 years. I've learned that she needs to talk about what bothers her, and that I need to listen, but not attempt to fix. I've done plenty of stupid things and made mistakes that I can't forget, but they are kept deep inside. I suspect there is a biological reason for this. The male of many species protects his females. To do that he must never appear weak. Now that I've passed the three quarter century mark, I tend to regale my five grandchildren with droll stories and trivia from my past. I've written some of them, but I'm much better at writing instructions for computers than anything humans might like to read.
Thanks for this piece. It made me think that perhaps I should write my piece about finding forgiveness in the struggles and good my ex-wife and I once shared. It was a long process for me to let go of so much anger, but one day, 27 years later, I had an epiphany, and it hit me like a wave of emotion; then it happened; I forgave it all. I am free now from the ball and chains of anger. I am happier, too.
Well, I can relate. One of the differences is: Women tend to blame themselves AND "other woman" in cheating husband situation.... Almost never a husband.
Men, on the other hand - blame their spouse.
As a result - they have more anger at the moment, but less consequences for their mental state.
(I am a Spiritual/Life Coach ( A Witch) with 30 years of practice) - and IT NEVER CHANGED.
By the way, I would say - Men, in general, deal with lots of issues in much simpler and healthy way, than we do...
However, when talking about childhood - men are more vulnerable, than women...
It is a very interesting subject, Linda.
Also, I did not know about your new publication. Will follow it.
Did you really mean to write that, a ridiculous generalization written as a fact? Credibility is a fragile thing and statements like that stretch it to the breaking point.
No, I can honestly say, “That I Don't blame my ex-wife for finding someone else; she handled it how she thought best at the time.” I took it hard and was angry at the time, but, well, I understand now.
Exactly! You were angry at the time. Then you understood her - that is healthy way.
Being obsessed with whole situation 15 years later and actively hating "third party", as well as yourself, and continue to think about what you could've done differently - is not healthy.
Most men don’t talk about their feelings in public.
I work with 99% men at my day job. I talk to a lot of guys in the construction industry who have deep pain in their lives. Loss of a marriage, loss of loved ones, heart attacks, on and on.
I wonder if maybe the reason you see less of those, is that those men don’t write about it. They feel the shame of failure in a different way. To admit it publicly would be to admit they are losers. So they don’t, as much.
American society doesn't treat women well. Abusive people are allowed into positions of power, and there is no accountability. What you're doing is important. These are stories we have to face and acknowledge. The tactic of saying "it wasn't as bad as you remember" doesn't work. Thanks for sharing this interesting commentary, it's given me something to think about.
I already love your writing so much Walter I'm real curious to watch where the thoughts will take you. Because I'm getting to know that that's how you work. You just keep getting stronger as a writer. You set a high bar for the rest of us. :)
That's so nice of you to say. I feel we're all in this together and the comments I get from you and others are so helpful. There are many paths to getting to where we need to go, I'm just looking for progress.
You're very welcome, I meant every word. Plus, you don't get offended when I offer editing suggestions. lol.
I'm grateful for them!
❤️
I’m curious then. Which societies treat women well? Any of them? Just seemed like a strange lead-off to me.
Iceland, maybe, apparently it's the best place to be a woman. But it's not even really about how the world treats women. It's more about the singular focus. You know? I have had bad relationships. Bad shit has happened to me. But there is more to me than that. I am not one part. One thing. I am the sum of my many parts. There is more to all of us. It's like taking a brilliant diamond and painting everything black except one facet and wondering why it doesn't shine, if that makes sense. Hah -- you made me think about this.
I get that, Linda. You also gotta figure this. If you are a person who has never performed a deep dive on yourself in terms of being aware of who you are and your own history and its effects, chances are you haven’t had adequate opportunity to heal and get past the wounds to talk about the other stuff. You strike me as an intelligent and self-aware woman who has probably been reflecting and working on herself a long time. I imagine you’re the large exception and not the rule. Especially in today’s very distracted society where people rarely practice mindfulness and awareness.
That's actually a really good point, Roman.
I was thinking someone might say Iceland. Listen, it’s all degrees and perspective. What women value here isn’t valued by women everywhere. Same goes for men. I spent a lot of time in the Middle East. Been a lot of places. Some people see the hijab as oppressive. Many women who actually wear them don’t. We need to understand the complexity of customs, traditions, and even moral rights under the lens of anthropological roots.
I love, love, love that you said this. Because we in the western world need to stop thinking that our way is the only right way.
It’s a little uncomfortable writing this as a male but I’m observing the same trend across a lot of online media. When I think reflection I think, what did I learn, what was good and what was bad? There are some newsletters by women I respect that always start out with reminders of the constant trauma they live with then move on to good stories. It’s almost as though there has to be something terrible. I started a newsletter about my recovery experience from alcohol addiction that started with seventy stitches in the ER and nearly losing an eye from a drunken fall. But I see so much beauty in the experience that followed and the very real challenges that followed. But I may be lucky in that. I wish you luck as an editor wrestling with this. M
One thing I really enjoy about my Substack is that we can (and do) talk about uncomfortable stuff sometimes and no one gets their undies in a knot. I don't know why that is, but I like it. And you're right, I've seen the same. When I wrote this, I wasn't sure how it would be received, but I'm really glad I did.
I think we run the risk of desensitizing people, Linda. When reading these trauma stories, I sometimes think, “Is this even true?” The more appalling the story, the more attention it gets. It stands to reason that some people are making stuff up, especially those with obvious pseudonyms. If your name is Chris Stefanik but you write as Hearty Broth, nobody is apt come forward and say, “I was in your third grade class and your parents didn’t die in a house fire.”
lol omg, Denise that was the laugh I needed this morning.
You're bravely treading on a very sensitive nerve, Linda -- but I agree that it's worth discussing why so many women define themselves by their trauma. No, it's no surprise that so many of us have experienced, or are experiencing, trauma: it's a harsh world for most humans, and for female humans in particular. And all such trauma deserves to be addressed and, to the extent possible, healed. Often that involves telling the story — but there's a crucial difference between telling the story to move beyond it (and by proxy maybe help others do the same) and claiming it — defending it, even — as what now makes you, you. I don't know why it seems like women are more likely to take that approach than men: maybe just because women are more likely to share rather than silence their feelings. But not all feelings are helpful, if we stay stuck with them. I saw that a lot in some of the grief groups and forums I visited after my first husband died suddenly — and it scared me.
Sometimes I think it's that dreams die hard and women have culturally been taught that the dream to be attained is love, marriage and a baby carriage. My sister once said it took her a lot of years to realize we all go through stuff, but we don't have to stop and set up camp. I loved that a lot. lol
Allow one modification: the dream is to love and be loved. The baby carriage may or may not be part of that.
Totally stealing that line!
I think men have lots of trauma to share too, but they were never taught to share it like women do. For centuries men have been taught to sweep it under the rug and act tough, and all that did was repress them and allow their feelings and resentments come out as misogyny and anger.
People are looking for a place to share their trauma, and they love to do it in including publications. More than anything else I hate when they do it in a comment on someone else's story. But I agree completely, your pub is not that place. It should be in the office of a therapist.
That's a great point Christopher. Maybe men don't submit those because that's cultural too. I hate the whole 'suck it up tough guy' nonsense. And I am so with you on seeing it in comments. Wow. Talk about trauma dumping.
Agreed, but what's worse is that we men are conditioned to deny ourselves the healing process of introspection.... Our peers response is "Tough shit mate", Women give comfort. Peace, Maurice
Writing trauma out can be a powerful way to heal from it and I think more women acknowledge that perhaps and it's more culturally acceptable for them to share it. (I've always kept any trauma writing under a pen name though!) But I also think for some writers, they've realized it's a money earner to share their most shocking experiences--I see these as confessionals rather than personal essays and I'm not a fan. They have no reflection or growth, just raw overly-detailed exposure, like standing in public naked and screaming.
I never really thought of that, as a money earner for shock value. That's an interesting insight. I'm not a fan of doing that, either.
On a different topic, it occurred to me I could be nominating from your pub since I'm an editor there too, but I'm not sure if you or Ash are in the boost program. I think you have my email. If you're interested, send me an email okay? We talk! lol :)
I think the first place to start is recognition. I think women have the capacity to write through their pain, but also to reflect on the wonder throughout the years. Your piece has been eye-opening and sets me in a new direction, not first thought of. I'm sure I'm not alone. Hopefully, you'll begin to see a shift. If not, it will help you in your study. : )
Karen, your last sentence made me laugh so much.
Maybe start a new publication for those trauma filled essays. It seems to me that they need a space. I’m sure there are a lot of women who would empathize with the essays, and by having a space for them in a publication specific to the topic that encompasses that idea, it would also serve as a trigger warning for those who don’t want to read essays like that. It’s unfortunate that so many have experienced such trauma, but it’s also so much a part of being a woman (as I see it).
I don't know that they do, Kristin. Maybe, but I have trauma in my past and I'm so grateful I shared it with a professional who helped me get past it and stop defining myself by it. I can only imagine how much more mired in it I'd have become if people on the internet were commenting on it. I could be wrong, but I think a supportive professional or a support group is a more caring and beneficial place to bring those than to the internet as a whole. I have seen women eviscerated for sharing their trauma and that's not helping them recover at all.
Oh my - those are the best reasons why not to publish things like that. I didn’t think about that aspect. And you are absolutely correct. The internet is not always a safe space.
Yeah, for sure. It's sure not. I've seen women so hurt by attacks in response it's awful
I’m honestly not sure how to approach this observation. I wonder if men and women don’t digest experiences or maybe even traumas differently? I certainly think there are varying degrees of coping abilities and variable resiliencies. I don’t know that these can be exclusively traced to gender. I know I write about my own traumas plenty. I can’t help but wonder if some of this isn’t traceable to the societal norms around male stoicism. Men aren’t really taught how to explore their feelings as a route to talk about their traumas. Maybe that’s a factor?
Yes, I think so. I do think it's largely cultural. I don't know that it can be traced to gender either, at least not physiologically anyway, because the world isn't made up of xx and xy in the first place. But I do think cultural roles play a part in the norms of men being expected to suck it up. I've had people tell me I "think like a man" and it irritates me. lol. No. I think like me. But the sheer volume of what I get. Man, if you could see my inbox some days.
In my years, my eyes have really been opened to just how common female trauma is. Specifically sexual abuse.
Yup. It is. It's really bad. The statistics are horrifying and I'd never suggest otherwise. But having been in some pretty ugly places myself, I can't even imagine spending years afterward not just reliving it but putting it on the internet for abusive people to comment on because they do and it's painful to watch.
I wrote a piece about this recently - finding meaning in our pain. The #1 mistake I see personal essay writers make is they are so focused on their pain that they fail to leave the reader with a meaty why to cut their teeth on. Viktor Frankl said it best, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”
I recently read a Medium piece that advised other writers that the reader doesn’t matter and you should write for yourself. That is just horrible writing advice. Yes, you should write with the door closed. But when you open the door, it better be a place someone wants to enter and return to.
As far as the gender divide goes, I hate to generalize but... I think women are more prone to rumination. Rumination without reason is a wheel with no spokes. It's going to make for a mess of a ride.
Btw, I don't write many personal essays but I would love to be added as a writer if you still have space.
It is horrible advice, for sure. All writers write for themselves or they wouldn't be writing in the first place. They'd be better off to say the first draft is for yourself. All the edits are with consideration of opening that door to random strangers, as you pointed out. Another problem I see a lot is that too many people stretch an anecdote into a story. But if you strip away all the fluff and rambling, it's just an anecdote standing there naked and exposed.
For you, there would always be space. I can always use more strong writers especially on that pub. So many people just send a play by play and don't understand the concept of reflecting back. When you have a reflection essay ready, just email me :)
I am tired of reflecting on my heartbreak of two years ago so I’m in the editing stage of a piece for you called Where’s My Fork? Stay tuned
I will look forward to that Jen ❤️
Men don't often feel "allowed" to talk about their traumas. Or, another way to put this is that they are taught early on to see things so differently that they have an entirely different scale for trauma. Add that to the fact that women are socially defined ((and so personally define) with those events and it makes perfect sense why men aren't represented the same way in your submissions.
Suicide and depression statistics suggest that men are quite affected by traumatic circumstances, though. They're hurting, and many don't feel capable of talking about it or even acknowledging their pain. That makes the male writers in your publication all the more valuable- they provide an example that other men might see and follow. 💕
As an introvert, the only woman I truly know is the one that has been my wife for 54 years. I've learned that she needs to talk about what bothers her, and that I need to listen, but not attempt to fix. I've done plenty of stupid things and made mistakes that I can't forget, but they are kept deep inside. I suspect there is a biological reason for this. The male of many species protects his females. To do that he must never appear weak. Now that I've passed the three quarter century mark, I tend to regale my five grandchildren with droll stories and trivia from my past. I've written some of them, but I'm much better at writing instructions for computers than anything humans might like to read.
Hi Linda,
Thanks for this piece. It made me think that perhaps I should write my piece about finding forgiveness in the struggles and good my ex-wife and I once shared. It was a long process for me to let go of so much anger, but one day, 27 years later, I had an epiphany, and it hit me like a wave of emotion; then it happened; I forgave it all. I am free now from the ball and chains of anger. I am happier, too.
Thanks, Your fan,
Julio
Well, I can relate. One of the differences is: Women tend to blame themselves AND "other woman" in cheating husband situation.... Almost never a husband.
Men, on the other hand - blame their spouse.
As a result - they have more anger at the moment, but less consequences for their mental state.
(I am a Spiritual/Life Coach ( A Witch) with 30 years of practice) - and IT NEVER CHANGED.
By the way, I would say - Men, in general, deal with lots of issues in much simpler and healthy way, than we do...
However, when talking about childhood - men are more vulnerable, than women...
It is a very interesting subject, Linda.
Also, I did not know about your new publication. Will follow it.
“Men, on the other hand, blame their spouse”
Did you really mean to write that, a ridiculous generalization written as a fact? Credibility is a fragile thing and statements like that stretch it to the breaking point.
Thank you for pointing it out.
Not ALL MEN, of course. But many.
I would say: 8 out of 10.
At least, that is true in my experience.
Same goes for women: 8 out of 10.
I did not mean to generalize. There are exceptions.
Hello,
No, I can honestly say, “That I Don't blame my ex-wife for finding someone else; she handled it how she thought best at the time.” I took it hard and was angry at the time, but, well, I understand now.
Not all men blame their cheating wives.
Exactly! You were angry at the time. Then you understood her - that is healthy way.
Being obsessed with whole situation 15 years later and actively hating "third party", as well as yourself, and continue to think about what you could've done differently - is not healthy.
Most men don’t talk about their feelings in public.
I work with 99% men at my day job. I talk to a lot of guys in the construction industry who have deep pain in their lives. Loss of a marriage, loss of loved ones, heart attacks, on and on.
I wonder if maybe the reason you see less of those, is that those men don’t write about it. They feel the shame of failure in a different way. To admit it publicly would be to admit they are losers. So they don’t, as much.