My Newest Publication Taught Me A Hard Lesson I Didn't See Coming
I should have seen it coming, but I didn't and now I don't know what to do about it so maybe let's talk?
I like to say not much surprises me anymore. Honestly, I think that’s just an end result of stacking up years on the planet. I was surprised a lot more in my twenties. After fifty? Yeah, not so much. Harder to surprise me these days.
Three months ago, I started a new publication. It’s called On Reflection.
Here’s the gist of it. It’s a step or two beyond “this happened to me.”
The idea is to reflect on stuff. Ponder. Extract something meaningful from our experiences. Seeing our lives through reflective eyes. Not just remembering.
We have some beautiful stories. Remembering things grandfather did over and over again and realizing that’s how he said I love you. Watching elderly parents in hospice drinking coffee together even though one is a sippy cup and realizing it was more than morning coffee, it was about the comfort of togetherness all along.
One of my favorites was about a walk in the woods. Hearing an animal and being afraid and feeling a little lost and comparing that walk in the forest to life itself. Metaphorically. How easy it is to let the unknown hold us back. It’s beautiful.
Some reflect back on pain and see strength, like the man whose wife survived war or in some way, seeing a silver lining or beauty they didn’t see at the time.
We have an insanely high rejection rate.
Many are simply off topic, like the stream of people who send self help tips. One person sent their “reflections on making money online” and you just have to just shake your head and move on. What else is there to do?
Mostly, stories that don’t get accepted don’t go farther than this happened to me. They are just a memory, with no reflection on it. And nothing wrong with that. That’s a valid personal essay and should get published — just in another publication.
But here’s the part that took me by surprise.
The difference in submissions from men and woman.
Men submit stories about all sorts of topics. They watch their kids and remember their own childhood. Stories of grandparents and other loved ones. Stories that weave through life and death and even cultural changes from then to now as a parent, watching their kids. All the topics of life show up.
But with women? So many submissions are filled with so much pain it’s hard to read them. Broken marriages, cheating husbands, abuse and relationships that imploded. So many are so trauma-filled I don’t publish them. Not because they aren’t strong essays. A lot are. But I can’t. I don’t want to become a trauma publication.
Why do women have so much trauma? Well. Because they’re women, I guess.
In hindsight, here’s what should surprise me. That it surprised me at all. I’m a feminist writer who runs a History of Women publication. I should have seen it coming. That I didn’t is what should surprise me and in hindsight, it does.
It’s not that men don’t get divorced and have relationships implode. They do. I’m just not sure men define themselves by those in the way a lot of women seem to and I don’t know what to do with that. I think it’s worth talking about.
I didn’t set out to do a culture study, but that’s inadvertently what happened.
There’s also psychology at play. The American Psychology Association says people have more good memories than bad, but bad memories have more impact. And it’s evolution that makes us remember them so vividly because if we forgot bad things that happen, that’s bad from a survival standpoint. Cavemen who forget where they saw the bear’s den are less likely to survive to pass on their genes.
That said, I do still believe there’s merit in reflecting on our life experiences and seeing things worth noting. Seeing the beauty in events that seemed ordinary, once upon a time. And sharing them with each other.
Not surprisingly, psychologists agree. They say good memories and seeing the good in our past gives us the strength to cope with life’s inevitable slings and arrows.
I just wish women had more of those uplifting reflections. As a feminist writer, it’s hard for me to see the difference in my inbox. It’s not even a gross generalization. It’s literally what’s sitting in my inbox. And I don’t know what to do with that.
I’d love to know what you think.
On Medium…
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xo,
Linda
American society doesn't treat women well. Abusive people are allowed into positions of power, and there is no accountability. What you're doing is important. These are stories we have to face and acknowledge. The tactic of saying "it wasn't as bad as you remember" doesn't work. Thanks for sharing this interesting commentary, it's given me something to think about.
It’s a little uncomfortable writing this as a male but I’m observing the same trend across a lot of online media. When I think reflection I think, what did I learn, what was good and what was bad? There are some newsletters by women I respect that always start out with reminders of the constant trauma they live with then move on to good stories. It’s almost as though there has to be something terrible. I started a newsletter about my recovery experience from alcohol addiction that started with seventy stitches in the ER and nearly losing an eye from a drunken fall. But I see so much beauty in the experience that followed and the very real challenges that followed. But I may be lucky in that. I wish you luck as an editor wrestling with this. M