I love when we bump into another person’s thoughts, and their words reach out gentle hands and shape our own thoughts. Is there anything more beautiful?
You put me in mind of Todd Rundgren's song "Real Man", where he sings about trying to escape masculine stereotypes by being a good and kind person, since the stereotypical man isn't "supposed to be that". Certainly it was true when he wrote it in the 1970s.
I have issues with trying to be vulnerable in an autobiographical sense in my writing, seeing as I'm part of so many groups (men, white people, Canadians, autistic people) who can easily be mocked for expressing those feelings. That's probably why my fictional characters end up being the source of any venting I manage to do.
Fiction is highly useful in providing a safe place to be and express myself. And it can be fun! And educational in a playing-around way. It’s now myvoreferred style and genre.
As a female writer who writes about relationships, I have been trolled several times - by other women writers. Go figure. I never expected misogyny to be thriving on a platform like Medium but yea...
An experienced writer told me that if I enjoyed writing and wanted to continue then I should learn to take this in my stride - I am glad I listened to their advice.
I have heard writers talking about how they are vulnerable and real in their writing, yet nobody is reading. I have no answers - is their writing not vulnerable enough or is the secret sauce in how you convey this vulnerability - I mean saying I'm being vulnerable here does not convince a reader that it is true, right?
I am heartily sick of all the same things of which you are heartily sick, Linda. And the patriarchy is poison for everyone, an outmoded survival mechanism that stunts some of us and destroys some of us and only holds out the promise of dominance to a few (white, wealthy, ruthless, and stupid-lucky) men and possible protection to women who suck it up and turn on their sisters who refuse to toe the line. So, yeah, gonna go read the stories you call out here.
What a wonderful piece Linda, and oh so true! The writing that "gets" me is writing that elicits some feeling, that makes me feel connected to the writer and not lectured to unless I'm voluntarily reading a "How To" book. Move me and I'm yours. And I'm yours.
I think words have a potential for meaning, like with quantum physics. Their meaning is not quite set. Are there really writers out there who aren't harassed? I don't quite know what to make of that 11% statistic. What constitutes harassment? I thought being attacked was just part of it. It blows my mind to think there are writers out there who expect not to be attacked.
Walter your last sentence made me laugh out loud first. Then I stopped to think about it. Because again. Words mean things. I think no writer should expect to be attacked. I do expect to be disagreed with. But we must not make the mistake of confusing disagreement with attack. Saying "I don't agree and here's why" is vastly different than someone saying you're stupid or you have your head up your butt, or you should be shot or raped until you're dead. No one should expect attack. My opinion, of course. lol
I was referring to people saying they were going to come to my house and kill me and my children and things of that nature (and worse). People likely attack because they disagree, but the internet is filled with an unacceptable level of hostility. I guess there are just layers and layers to this topic. I expect that women and minorities and members of the LGBTQ community have to endure much, much worse than what I have to endure, but it's unacceptable what's going on out there. You're right, nobody should have to endure that. [I reread this and realized it read harsher than I intended it, so I made some edits--this is a tough topic, apologies for any confusion]
Good exchange of information here. I expect that if you're writing about progressive concepts you're going to be the target of hostility. Of course, there might be a variety of things that provoke the malicious forces of the world.
I remember years ago, at the height of his M*A*S*H fame, Alan Alda got a lot of flack for his feminist views, as did talk show host Phil Donahue. They were called wimps and much worse. Comedians made them the butt of their jokes. Women also criticized them and it went on for years. So, yes, I think men can be at risk in this way.
You're probably quite right. I wonder if it's worse in traditional publishing. Easy to post anything on Medium or Substack, but wonder if men have more trouble getting that type of book published. Which is probably a whole other kettle of fish. Either way, I'd love to hear from some men on this and hope I get some feedback and experiences.
Vulnerability is beautiful. Man or woman, the way to avoid being emotionally harmed is to truly know and love (without ego) yourself. If you respect your uniqueness and accept the fact that nobody but you can really know you, then nothing others say or (non-)think can hurt you. Open vulnerability lets you write without fear about your deepest feelings. We are all one, whether others know it or not. Go for it! Share your personal feelings with the world. Be vulnerable. Be beautiful.
I don’t think vulnerability comes in gender-sized packages, one of the most vulnerable people who writes openly about being non-binary their whole life. Two of my favourite poets are Mary Oliver and Rumi as translated by Coleman Barks.
On Medium itself I could stack a digital shelf with stories and poetry I’ve read that is has a sentence or phrase that I feel both in my sacrum and all the way to two inches above my crown.
Rarely can writers cleave down to skin and bone with every word. I think we need to pare as close as we can and learn from what our readers tell us about what we write.
It’s easier to do so when you done with worry about those who try to force conformity to their narrow beliefs.
Anais Nin another great writer said you have to get tired of the pain it takes to stay tight in the bud. I’m not sure when that happens in another’s heart and mind. I just know that I feel when it’s there in print.
Do women get more critically assessed as writers - they do in whatever job they do. As long as almost 40% of people thinks woman is taking a job from a man - it’s going to be that way.
I did a random test for a month asking people everywhere we had to stand waiting if they thought women having a job in their field of work was taking a job from a man. I had 300 people answer and 40% said yes.
Now this is just a casual test in everyday conversation, but that’s how most people form impressions about things like a movie to see, a new restaurant to try, or even a book to read or place to travel.
Final thought: you have to let yourself feel it- truly see it - before you can be vulnerable enough to say I got it wrong, I misread that situation. On that decision I missed the mark. That’s when we need the courage to be vulnerable and let it open up to accept things as they really are, instead of hanging on doggedly to false narratives.
Inevitably karma teaches the vain… no matter how hard we toil and boil.
"During Covid, old people and people with compromised immune systems were more vulnerable than the average bear."
It's ironic that you use the phrase 'during Covid' and speak of old people and people with compromised immune systems being more vulnerable in past tense in a piece that emphasizes the importance of what words mean and during one of the biggest covid waves the United States has ever had (where I am, we currently have the second highest covid wastewater reading ever, higher than any reading ever taken in any winter, and a neighboring jurisdiction currently has the highest covid wastewater reading they've ever recorded, full stop). I can't read your mind and know exactly why you made those word choices, but in my experience people who say 'during covid' claim that 'covid' is not happening now, and if people point out that covid currently circulating at much higher levels than at any point in 2020 or 2021, they handwave it away, and now a bunch of places are trying to pass laws which make it illegal for people to wear masks in public to protect themselves. Furthermore, many healthcare workers who wore masks *before* 2020 (such as many who worked in oncology, given that many cancer patients and severely immunocompromised) now refuse to do so, even around immunocompromised patients, and many healthcare workers accuse patients who object and want to protect themselves of being anxious/hysterical/crazy/etc. An oncology nurse posted a heartbreaking video about what she sees happening in her workplace (her account became private shortly after she published the video, but you can view it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/ZeroCovidCommunity/comments/1d3vhtj/i_am_heart_broken_rage_seeing_this/ )
So, my question is: why do you speak of it in the past tense? Do you think covid is over? Do you believe that old and immunocompromised people are no longer vulnerable? If yes, what is your evidence?
I don't think Covid is over at all. I have two family members who are immune compromised, one critically so, and still mask up myself. What I was going for was a time frame. A pocket of time when there were meat trucks to hold the bodies outside hospitals in New York and other big cities. A time when people first gained awareness of what Covid was, and we had to have public videos showing people how to wash their hands and tell them how to cover when they sneeze because apparently those are things many people did not know. But you're absolutely right. I could have been more clear about that. :)
I needed to read this tonight. I wrote a long piece about my youth - well, I wrote part 1, - the other day, about putting up with bad behavior from boyfriends, and being a total pushover until enough was enough. And my mother read it and went ballistic at me by email. I’m 62 years old and can’t decide whether I’m upset or furious or upset about her being upset. Nor do I know what to do to defuse the situation (she told me to take it down, which is out of the question). Has this ever happened to you? She’s 86. I feel like I’m 10 again!
"Vulnerable means being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.". I don't think susceptible is the right word here. Or at least it needs to have another word added to the definition. Just "being susceptible" is not firm enough. You can be susceptible unintentionally. Or intentionally. I think to be vulnerable as a writer you must know and make that distinction. To me it must be a willful act of letting the doors open. Even if only briefly. Being vulnerable at all times may be impossible, but I think there should be willful intent to strive for it, when you pick up your pen. Even though your results may fail miserably. I really enjoyed the read Linda. Beautiful writing.
I think I understand the 64% and 11% differential in writers. When a man writes something and posts it online, somewhere in the lizard brain portion of a human male that reads it and dearly wants to poke fun at it - there exists this belief, however faint, that the writer can somehow find him and punch him in the face, so he backs off. But with a woman, well, not too much to worry about, statistically. I've met and interacted with a lot of men in my lifetime and many have a different definition of vulnerable. Some guys might said - Hey that shit bothers me - and were being highly vulnerable. It didn't go any further. When I was in my teens I spoke about love and spirituality and conquering Space (you know the final frontier) and most of my friends thought it was the weed talking. No it was me. But being vulnerable back then wasn't acceptable because most men had a hard time manifesting that, so better for everyone to to keep their gob shut. Good article, Linda.
And yes, not just women writers are vulnerable. As you note personally, most/every woman has had her fair share of fuckwits harassing them. The sad/bad/revolting reality is that all women are targets: 24/7/365 for the 90% of men who are fucked up in one way or another - usually because of fear, but I digress - however there are solutions, long term, short term.
Long term we know toxic masculinity and patriarchy have to change, but that's gonna take a while.
Short term: become your own Warrior Princess. Krav Maga Self Defense training is a good place to start - no matter what age.
Other Martial Arts have good and bad aspects to them, but Krav Maga is FASTER. It will get you up to speed quicker than the other Martial Arts, so that's why its top of the list.
Trust me, whoever you are, you WILL feel better, confident, and more secure.
Interesting. I'm in the middle of the first draft of a novel written from the POVs of two females—mother and rebellious teenager. I'm really enjoying putting myself in the female perspective for a change.
You put me in mind of Todd Rundgren's song "Real Man", where he sings about trying to escape masculine stereotypes by being a good and kind person, since the stereotypical man isn't "supposed to be that". Certainly it was true when he wrote it in the 1970s.
I have issues with trying to be vulnerable in an autobiographical sense in my writing, seeing as I'm part of so many groups (men, white people, Canadians, autistic people) who can easily be mocked for expressing those feelings. That's probably why my fictional characters end up being the source of any venting I manage to do.
Fiction is highly useful in providing a safe place to be and express myself. And it can be fun! And educational in a playing-around way. It’s now myvoreferred style and genre.
As a female writer who writes about relationships, I have been trolled several times - by other women writers. Go figure. I never expected misogyny to be thriving on a platform like Medium but yea...
An experienced writer told me that if I enjoyed writing and wanted to continue then I should learn to take this in my stride - I am glad I listened to their advice.
I have heard writers talking about how they are vulnerable and real in their writing, yet nobody is reading. I have no answers - is their writing not vulnerable enough or is the secret sauce in how you convey this vulnerability - I mean saying I'm being vulnerable here does not convince a reader that it is true, right?
I am heartily sick of all the same things of which you are heartily sick, Linda. And the patriarchy is poison for everyone, an outmoded survival mechanism that stunts some of us and destroys some of us and only holds out the promise of dominance to a few (white, wealthy, ruthless, and stupid-lucky) men and possible protection to women who suck it up and turn on their sisters who refuse to toe the line. So, yeah, gonna go read the stories you call out here.
What a wonderful piece Linda, and oh so true! The writing that "gets" me is writing that elicits some feeling, that makes me feel connected to the writer and not lectured to unless I'm voluntarily reading a "How To" book. Move me and I'm yours. And I'm yours.
I think words have a potential for meaning, like with quantum physics. Their meaning is not quite set. Are there really writers out there who aren't harassed? I don't quite know what to make of that 11% statistic. What constitutes harassment? I thought being attacked was just part of it. It blows my mind to think there are writers out there who expect not to be attacked.
Walter your last sentence made me laugh out loud first. Then I stopped to think about it. Because again. Words mean things. I think no writer should expect to be attacked. I do expect to be disagreed with. But we must not make the mistake of confusing disagreement with attack. Saying "I don't agree and here's why" is vastly different than someone saying you're stupid or you have your head up your butt, or you should be shot or raped until you're dead. No one should expect attack. My opinion, of course. lol
I was referring to people saying they were going to come to my house and kill me and my children and things of that nature (and worse). People likely attack because they disagree, but the internet is filled with an unacceptable level of hostility. I guess there are just layers and layers to this topic. I expect that women and minorities and members of the LGBTQ community have to endure much, much worse than what I have to endure, but it's unacceptable what's going on out there. You're right, nobody should have to endure that. [I reread this and realized it read harsher than I intended it, so I made some edits--this is a tough topic, apologies for any confusion]
Good exchange of information here. I expect that if you're writing about progressive concepts you're going to be the target of hostility. Of course, there might be a variety of things that provoke the malicious forces of the world.
I remember years ago, at the height of his M*A*S*H fame, Alan Alda got a lot of flack for his feminist views, as did talk show host Phil Donahue. They were called wimps and much worse. Comedians made them the butt of their jokes. Women also criticized them and it went on for years. So, yes, I think men can be at risk in this way.
You're probably quite right. I wonder if it's worse in traditional publishing. Easy to post anything on Medium or Substack, but wonder if men have more trouble getting that type of book published. Which is probably a whole other kettle of fish. Either way, I'd love to hear from some men on this and hope I get some feedback and experiences.
Vulnerability is beautiful. Man or woman, the way to avoid being emotionally harmed is to truly know and love (without ego) yourself. If you respect your uniqueness and accept the fact that nobody but you can really know you, then nothing others say or (non-)think can hurt you. Open vulnerability lets you write without fear about your deepest feelings. We are all one, whether others know it or not. Go for it! Share your personal feelings with the world. Be vulnerable. Be beautiful.
I don’t think vulnerability comes in gender-sized packages, one of the most vulnerable people who writes openly about being non-binary their whole life. Two of my favourite poets are Mary Oliver and Rumi as translated by Coleman Barks.
On Medium itself I could stack a digital shelf with stories and poetry I’ve read that is has a sentence or phrase that I feel both in my sacrum and all the way to two inches above my crown.
Rarely can writers cleave down to skin and bone with every word. I think we need to pare as close as we can and learn from what our readers tell us about what we write.
It’s easier to do so when you done with worry about those who try to force conformity to their narrow beliefs.
Anais Nin another great writer said you have to get tired of the pain it takes to stay tight in the bud. I’m not sure when that happens in another’s heart and mind. I just know that I feel when it’s there in print.
Do women get more critically assessed as writers - they do in whatever job they do. As long as almost 40% of people thinks woman is taking a job from a man - it’s going to be that way.
I did a random test for a month asking people everywhere we had to stand waiting if they thought women having a job in their field of work was taking a job from a man. I had 300 people answer and 40% said yes.
Now this is just a casual test in everyday conversation, but that’s how most people form impressions about things like a movie to see, a new restaurant to try, or even a book to read or place to travel.
Final thought: you have to let yourself feel it- truly see it - before you can be vulnerable enough to say I got it wrong, I misread that situation. On that decision I missed the mark. That’s when we need the courage to be vulnerable and let it open up to accept things as they really are, instead of hanging on doggedly to false narratives.
Inevitably karma teaches the vain… no matter how hard we toil and boil.
"During Covid, old people and people with compromised immune systems were more vulnerable than the average bear."
It's ironic that you use the phrase 'during Covid' and speak of old people and people with compromised immune systems being more vulnerable in past tense in a piece that emphasizes the importance of what words mean and during one of the biggest covid waves the United States has ever had (where I am, we currently have the second highest covid wastewater reading ever, higher than any reading ever taken in any winter, and a neighboring jurisdiction currently has the highest covid wastewater reading they've ever recorded, full stop). I can't read your mind and know exactly why you made those word choices, but in my experience people who say 'during covid' claim that 'covid' is not happening now, and if people point out that covid currently circulating at much higher levels than at any point in 2020 or 2021, they handwave it away, and now a bunch of places are trying to pass laws which make it illegal for people to wear masks in public to protect themselves. Furthermore, many healthcare workers who wore masks *before* 2020 (such as many who worked in oncology, given that many cancer patients and severely immunocompromised) now refuse to do so, even around immunocompromised patients, and many healthcare workers accuse patients who object and want to protect themselves of being anxious/hysterical/crazy/etc. An oncology nurse posted a heartbreaking video about what she sees happening in her workplace (her account became private shortly after she published the video, but you can view it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/ZeroCovidCommunity/comments/1d3vhtj/i_am_heart_broken_rage_seeing_this/ )
So, my question is: why do you speak of it in the past tense? Do you think covid is over? Do you believe that old and immunocompromised people are no longer vulnerable? If yes, what is your evidence?
Evidence that covid is not over: lots of data at Wastewater Scan: https://data.wastewaterscan.org/
I don't think Covid is over at all. I have two family members who are immune compromised, one critically so, and still mask up myself. What I was going for was a time frame. A pocket of time when there were meat trucks to hold the bodies outside hospitals in New York and other big cities. A time when people first gained awareness of what Covid was, and we had to have public videos showing people how to wash their hands and tell them how to cover when they sneeze because apparently those are things many people did not know. But you're absolutely right. I could have been more clear about that. :)
Other ways I've seen people refer to that time period are '2020' or 'early in the covid pandemic.'
I needed to read this tonight. I wrote a long piece about my youth - well, I wrote part 1, - the other day, about putting up with bad behavior from boyfriends, and being a total pushover until enough was enough. And my mother read it and went ballistic at me by email. I’m 62 years old and can’t decide whether I’m upset or furious or upset about her being upset. Nor do I know what to do to defuse the situation (she told me to take it down, which is out of the question). Has this ever happened to you? She’s 86. I feel like I’m 10 again!
"Vulnerable means being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.". I don't think susceptible is the right word here. Or at least it needs to have another word added to the definition. Just "being susceptible" is not firm enough. You can be susceptible unintentionally. Or intentionally. I think to be vulnerable as a writer you must know and make that distinction. To me it must be a willful act of letting the doors open. Even if only briefly. Being vulnerable at all times may be impossible, but I think there should be willful intent to strive for it, when you pick up your pen. Even though your results may fail miserably. I really enjoyed the read Linda. Beautiful writing.
I think I understand the 64% and 11% differential in writers. When a man writes something and posts it online, somewhere in the lizard brain portion of a human male that reads it and dearly wants to poke fun at it - there exists this belief, however faint, that the writer can somehow find him and punch him in the face, so he backs off. But with a woman, well, not too much to worry about, statistically. I've met and interacted with a lot of men in my lifetime and many have a different definition of vulnerable. Some guys might said - Hey that shit bothers me - and were being highly vulnerable. It didn't go any further. When I was in my teens I spoke about love and spirituality and conquering Space (you know the final frontier) and most of my friends thought it was the weed talking. No it was me. But being vulnerable back then wasn't acceptable because most men had a hard time manifesting that, so better for everyone to to keep their gob shut. Good article, Linda.
',,lazy asshole' = crack up! 😊
And yes, not just women writers are vulnerable. As you note personally, most/every woman has had her fair share of fuckwits harassing them. The sad/bad/revolting reality is that all women are targets: 24/7/365 for the 90% of men who are fucked up in one way or another - usually because of fear, but I digress - however there are solutions, long term, short term.
Long term we know toxic masculinity and patriarchy have to change, but that's gonna take a while.
Short term: become your own Warrior Princess. Krav Maga Self Defense training is a good place to start - no matter what age.
Other Martial Arts have good and bad aspects to them, but Krav Maga is FASTER. It will get you up to speed quicker than the other Martial Arts, so that's why its top of the list.
Trust me, whoever you are, you WILL feel better, confident, and more secure.
Interesting. I'm in the middle of the first draft of a novel written from the POVs of two females—mother and rebellious teenager. I'm really enjoying putting myself in the female perspective for a change.
One of your best, that is all. (Saved/bookmarked)
Excellent article about writing and vulnerability