Hey Writer, Here's What We Want, Okay?

Three rules to help you get more reads and readers

I had a stalker once. It started real weird. One day the mail carrier showed up with an armful of parcels. Mostly books but a few other things like t-shirts and coffee.

The next day there was more. More books, more t-shirts, random other stuff. All the packages had letters inside that said they hope I’ll write a good review.

I was so confused.

Some guy sent a check for five hundred dollars. Said he just wanted to help me out a little. He included a studio shot and his phone number. That creeped me out. Who sends a photo and five hundred bucks to some stranger?

Every day, more stuff in the mail. Letters thanking me in advance for the review.

Then one morning I woke up and some guy emailed a picture of my house. Nothing else. Just a picture of my house. I tried to ignore it but I kept seeing that photo in my head all day. The next day, another email from him. Did you get the photo?

All I could think of was my kid going to school every day.

He was a master at saying short scary things. Like, I have time off in June.

Just that and nothing else. I thought about blocking him but then I wouldn’t know what he was saying or sending and that seemed worse. Sometimes wondering is scarier than knowing. Then he sent a parcel. I opened the box expecting another book or t-shirt but no. It was all his emails printed out. No return address.

I called the police and they said look, what do you want us to do here? You have nothing but an email address. You don’t even know this guy’s name.

They said no one has broken any laws yet, so there’s nothing they can do.

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That’s how you start a story. Grab the reader by the heart. And don’t let go. Like a Jack Russell with a bone, or a two year old with a lollipop.

You have to start strong. Have to.

Because here’s the thing. Every one of us is filled with stories worth telling. I can sit at almost anyone’s kitchen table and we’ll connect. Our tonal inflection and facial expressions really help with that. But readers? They’re a little spoiled.

If you don’t catch their attention right away, they’re gone.

Because they’re not at your kitchen table and they can’t see the look in your eyes, or on your face. Can’t hear your voice, either. All they’ve got is your words. They probably have five tabs open. And the back button is right there.

And a lot of writers? Tend to start slow. They “build up” to the good part.

I could have started slow and told you I was on a little lucky streak. My work had been featured in the media and The New York Times wrote an article about my work. But who wants to read that? Some writer bragging is what that sounds like.

That’s what a lot of writers do. They “build up” to the good part.

Except the reader never gets there because it started boring.

Thing is, there’s no rule that says you have to tell a story linear. Nathaniel Hawthorne said easy reading is damn hard writing and boy, he’s not wrong.

Slow can work in a novel. People who paid for a book will slog through a slow opening. The reviews carry them through a slow start. Because people said it was good. So they go on that. Usually, anyway. But essays? Not so much. The hardest part about writing essays is knowing where to start. You know?

And if you’re a poet? You don’t get a pass.

Even poetry has to have something that grabs the reader right in the beginning. Some spark that makes the reader sit up and pay attention. Once you know that, you can look at poetry through different eyes. See the spark. Or not.

You can’t start slow. You can’t. That’s rule #2.

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Also? Your paragraphs should be like me. Short.

Because half the people on the internet are reading on their phones. Nine or ten lines of text on a desktop will fill an entire phone screen with a wall of text that gives no space for the reader’s eyes to breathe. People see that? They’re out of there.

You can maybe get away with a wall of text once in a story.

If it’s REAL good.

Also? If it’s not right at the beginning. But if the whole story looks like that on a phone? I promise you, you’re losing readers. Yes, some will read. The desktop crowd. But a lot of mobile readers. Nope. Out of there.

Poof. Gone.

Write with mobile in mind. That’s rule #3.

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You’ll notice I saved #1 for last. Titles.

Lord, don’t we all need to work on writing better titles? And do you hate titles as much as I do? Cripes I hate writing titles. I do. Hate it.

But it’s so important it’s the number one rule of writing.

Some copywriter, Ogilvy maybe, said when you write the title, you’re spending ninety five cents of your dollar. Which means if the title flops, the whole thing flops. Doesn’t matter if it’s an essay or a classified ad. Titles make or break writing. They do.

Know what the biggest mistake people make with titles?

They try to be clever. Don’t be clever. You want to express, not impress. Let the reader know what they’re going to read about. Clever is at the back of the line. Clear is at the front of the line. Think headline. Like on a magazine cover. Not book titles.

Poets are the worst.

They use titles like The Tree. The Bluebird. And I get it. I do. A poem needs to be named what it needs to be named. But then make the subtitle work like a mother.

Also? Don’t use clickbait. Some people don’t know what that is.

Some people think a killer headline is clickbait. Nope. Clickbait withholds. It tries to make you curious without telling you what it’s about. “One weird trick to lose weight” is clickbait because it withholds information. “Yes, water can help you lose weight” is not clickbait because it tells the reader what they’re going to read about.

And you’re going to be curious, read the stupid thing anyway. But it’s not clickbait.

Here’s the thing about titles. Sending a good story into the world with a bad title is like sending your kid out in the cold without a coat or sweater to keep them warm. Good titles keep your story warm out in the cold, cold world.

That’s rule #1.

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Here’s a thing I keep hearing people say on Notes. I hear it on Medium, too. People keep saying if you want to succeed, you have to write tips about something. How to make money or how to succeed on Etsy or Substack or maybe sell courses.

That’s not true at all. Not even a little bit. If you look at the leaderboards there are people doing super well with humor, poetry, recipes, storytelling.

And also? Lots of people trying to sell stuff and getting no traction.

People who are struggling? Almost always struggle with one of the rules. And the people doing well? They use those three rules like a champ.

1. Killer title.

2. Open strong

3. Format with mobile in mind.

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So, know where all those people got my home address? Some marketer was selling a list of 50 “influential” people with media reach. His pitch said send your books and products to these people, they can get you seen.

He was selling that list for like $150. For a pdf. Wow.

His pitch said it’s three bucks a name, folks, but all it takes it one to launch your entire career. Schmuck. Know how I found out? I emailed the guy who sent his photo and a check and he spilled. Said he bought a list and sent me a link to the sale page.

So I emailed the guy and tore a strip off him. He took me off the list.

As for the stalker? My hosting provider read the digital signature on the email and figured out where he was. Even reported him for me. And poof, it all stopped.

Which is another little tip. It’s nice when stories circle back around to the beginning. But it’s not a rule, because a story ends where it needs to. Sometimes, it’s back around to the beginning. Other times it ends different. Maybe with the phone ringing at midnight and some strange woman whispering please can you make him stop?

“Easy reading is damn hard writing.”
― Nathaniel Hawthorne